I’ve noticed that, since I started my students using this very site for their blogging activities, I’ve been suspiciously absent from the site myself. There’s always that weird under-current of paranoia, that someday someone will stumble upon this and think EGADS, IT’S MY VERY OWN PROFESSOR AND HER PRIVATE, SADISTIC THOUGHTS ON TEACHING. But really, honestly, I know that’s not going to happen. So I need to just calm it down and use this site for its intended compartment in my life…. talk about teaching.

Lately I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I really, really REALLY need to make sure that this is the last year I’m doing this adjunct teaching shit. I’ve been in a holding pattern for five years, 3 of which have been full-time adjunct teaching. I need to get the fuck out, to get into a REAL job with real benefits and real vacation time, real salary and real responsibilities. But it won’t happen on its own, it won’t even happen if I just half-heartedly attempt to make it happen… I have to give myself over completely to this search and self-advertisement. That’s a little scary, to be honest. But I have to do it.

I have a laundry list a mile long of shit I need to do to make all this happen, and it matches very nicely in frenzied pace to my laundry list of things to do to make sure my semester continues to run smoothly with my students. It doesn’t help that I had to call off and reschedule an entire week of conferences because I caught the fucking SWINE FLU. *sigh* So now I’m recooped, or at least as much as I’m going to be before I have to get back into the thick of things, and the looming burden of all I have to do to make my life happen is rather scary at this point.

Teaching, the actual teaching this semester, has gone really well. I’ve done narrative essays for the first time ever, and I’m doing group conferences also for the first time ever… and of the 6 papers I’ve heard read aloud so far I’m really impressed. Guaranteed A, I think. It’s hard to mess up arguing something in a story format, because every one of us practices telling stories so often. The researched proposal paper will be more of a challenge, I believe.

I’m acting like I don’t have 88 rhetorical analysis papers left to grade. Ha, I so do.

Fuck my life, at least at the moment.

So yes, that’s what I’ve returned to say. My teaching seems to be going really well, but honestly I’m not sure how it’s happening. I feel like I’m flying by the seat of my pants most days, and it just happens to slap-dash together correctly. *shrugs* I’m not knocking it, as long as it works.

How are things out there for you, internet?

It’s a bad sign when you’re already really wanting to slack off and avoid your work. In the second week of it all starting. I love what I do, I love teaching, but somewhere in the back of my head I keep questioning myself. Am I really teaching them anything? Are they going to progress at all as writers by the end of my course? Am I just blowing a shit-ton of smoke each time I get up and talk to them about these concepts?

I feel like a fake, a charlatan. I keep waiting for someone to hop on stage, pointing an accusatory finger at me and screaming “PHONY.”

I simultaneously feel this way and understand that I’m a good teacher, that there’s nothing fake about me and that these thoughts are ridiculous. Now how’s that for fucked up.

Tomorrow will be a group work activity day. Tomorrow will involve the students attempting to do in class what I’m asking them to do for their assignment next week. Tomorrow I’ll see if I get the level of informed and intelligent reply I’m looking for, or if I have a classroom full of partially mobile zombies looking back at me, wondering what my M.A. garnished brains would taste like.

Okay, so the plan for tomorrow is fairly set… and we’re going to have a talk about due dates, switching some things around to give them a little breathing room… but what comes Friday? And Monday? When am I going to read all of their most recent blog updates, comment, interact? When am I going to grade the very assignment they’re working on now? I can’t freeze time and get a jump on things. I have to figure this out.

Pressure is one hell of a mistress. She is kicking my ass right now, and I don’t know the safe word.

This week I’ve done my utmost to actually keep up with the work of managing 88 students.

I’ve had every hand-out readily available, I’ve taught my first real lesson and held my first student-led discussion. I’ve kept my online papers sorted, updated the online calendar, and given clear directions with clear due-dates as to what’s expected of their blogs.

Tomorrow’s lesson plan is un-decided at the moment, but I’ve got the entire night to work it out. In the meantime, I’ve sorted all my students’ names and pet peeves into a file along with their nicknames/preferred names… and I can figure out who they are accordingly tomorrow.

I need to assign their first blog prompt. I need to make up a Sign Up Sheet I can use repeatedly in each class. I need to send these files to my usb drive and get ready to print them tomorrow.

But not only am I on top of things with my students, I’m on top of things in my personal life in a way that makes me feel like sustaining it might ACTUALLY be possible.

I’m going to pack my lunch and snacks for tomorrow. It will involve leftovers of the ham and scalloped potatoes I cooked tonight.

I will make dinner again tomorrow, and those leftovers will feed us for Saturday’s lunch. So on and so forth.

I’m walking the dog for at least a half hour (if not more) each morning I’m off campus, because he needs to lose weight. And walks do me good as well. I’m also not allowing this walk to count as my exercise for the day.

I feel like… wow. Maybe I can actually get all my shit together and be a healthy, happy, normal human adult.

Maybe I’ll even have time to work on the book ideas I’ve had, the song ideas. Maybe I can record some more.

It’s an odd feeling, this half-hopefulness. We’ll see if I can keep it up.

Wish me luck.

It’s a Tuesday, and I’ve survived my first round of classes.

I talked at them, made jokes at which they sometimes laughed, assigned them their first tasks of the semester.

I haven’t made a plan for tomorrow, I’m still drained from yesterday.

Overall it was a success. Now to just keep that going.

And at the same time I feel like I’ve gotten nothing done, I have nothing to show for my hard work, and I’m grinding my gears when they’re supposed to glide, gridlock, and slip by so easily.

I need to suck it up and start working on something tangible, or else I’ll never stop this cycle of self pity and angst. It’s getting boring, honestly.

Funny how students never know or care how much else is going on in the position of power.

That’s right, bitches. It’s my little ole’ flag flying proud at the top of Getting Shit Done mountain today.

From about 10am to 4:30pm, I hit the metaphorical books and didn’t stop until I had EVERYTHING I needed to print for this upcoming week done and filed.

I have my schedule sorted, and I’ll be assigning readings as I go. That’s a new trick for me, but it’s already made my life easier. No longer do I have to guesstimate what we’ll be wanting to read in October! I can just assign it then!

The only real step left to do is get my online access/articles all hooked up. And that won’t take long at all.

Why, I even had time to situate the new cubicle computer and fill it will all the tools I will need for my teaching this semester! Bookmarks to blogging sites, college-related sites, even uploading Aim for virtual conferences… yes, it is all done. My work machine will be my work machine, my laptop will be my play machine. The differentiation will make it possible for me to get shit done each time I sit down to office hours.

My arm is not long enough to give myself the pat on the back I deserve. It should be a big fucking one, for sure. I am on top of things as of this moment.

*sigh*

Feels good, y’all. Bring on the students.

Today is my at-home work day.

Tomorrow is my “print all your shit out and set up all your other shit” day.

Monday is the first day of classes. Why am I such a procrastinator?

Wish me luck.

I spent my day listening to interesting ruminations and exclamations on the direction of our department.

It was a very exciting experience… for those valid members of our department who are full time and who are actually considered as mandatory to our growth and development in the many directions our Director would like to go.

Adjuncts, however, were only mentioned in “The Spirit of Inclusion.” That means we’re not required to be in on any of these progressive committees, these pow-wows about the department and how we can up our count of majors… we’re not even really wanted there, but the Spirit of Inclusion says we’re welcome to come by! You won’t be kicked into the gutter like a dog, guys! COME ON IN. /eyeroll

Yeah. It was fairly frustrating to feel utterly useless for several hours of my day, and like I’m not accomplishing anything academically. I’m not publishing academic papers, I’m not doing research projects on pedagogy, I’m not getting my short stories in the America’s Best Short Stories collections like one of our full time coworkers… I’m doing fucking NOTHING and it made me feel like shit all day.

Our afternoon session was helpful, as it was directed at all of us adjuncts and aimed towards ways of more efficient teaching. A lot of twists and turns that will help us not frazzle out by October, which is great. But I just… still feel like shit. And I don’t know how to go about fixing that.

I won’t be taking a class this semester, as none of the ones I KNOW I need (about 2 or 3) are offered now (they’re just summer courses, oddly enough)… and the ones I could take I might already have satisfied within my undergraduate degree. So my goal this semester is to get myself analyzed by the DoE… and to put in an application for the phD program at a nearby college. Yeah, I’ve talked about doing this before. Yeah, I backed out of applying before. But honestly? I don’t know where I should go or what I should do. Sacrificing 60 bucks for the application fee to have a chance at a stipend job and a terminal degree…? Sounds reasonable to me. So we’ll see how that goes.

I’m just struggling with issues of academic excellence right now. I don’t feel like I have it at all, and if I don’t have that… what do I have?

Currently I am watching “Toddlers and Tiaras” on TLC. And I know I’ve been desensitized to the toddler-whore set up of all these pageants when I’m exclaiming that there’s no way in HELL Elexia should have won talent with her warbling, not when the Bronx girl was the WIND for her talent. For god’s sakes, the WIND. It was so… classy. And let’s not even talk about Morgan’s stripper dance. Let’s not even go there.

OH WAIT WHAT THE FUCK MORGAN WON THE HIGHEST TITLE. She’s fucking diamond supreme. With her stripper dance and everything. Well kudos to you, doll. You have the face of a 57 year old Floridian retiree and the wardrobe of an L.A. escort. Go on with your bad self.

Ha, sorry…. I don’t mean to be awful to these little girls. I’m sure they’re sweethearts and I’m sure they’re really having fun like their moms claim they are (“oh my little girl just LOVES the stage, she was born performin’ right on outta my womb!” )…. but yeah. This show is effing ridic. And I love it.

I had a long day, and when I got home I basically plunked my ass down (well, I ate and THEN plunked said ass) and watched tv. That’s it. Answered my phone when people called, watched shit-all tv. Hotness.

Got to Hburg at 7:15 to pick up my teaching friend, head over for coffee and then head over to the conference room so we can fill out paper work an hour before we’re supposed to start our assessment work. Thumbs up.

I got to see all my adjunct buddies, and it was wonderful. We were silly, we were exasperated with our crap summers, we were ready to make some money.

We spent the morning listening to coworkers bicker and bitch at each other about how to score essays. One man in particular, we shall call him DoucheNozzle, thought himself so important, so enlightened, that he had to speak up at EVERY GODDAMNED TURN we took during our “norming” process. At one point he was so far off the mark that the petulant little teacher’s pet in me couldn’t resist; I burst forth with a politely phrased yet strongly clear “YOU ARE WRONG DOUCHENOZZLE” argument that made everyone else glad I had said something. Because then they all took up pitchforks and rallied behind me. DoucheNozzle did not appreciate this, and argued maniacally with all of us until it was lunch time.

After a lunch that was more or less what you expect from the catering of a school that spends more on watering its lawn than in paying its part time faculty members, we hit the real work. The pay dirt. The essays.

I had to go through 20 essays, 10 portfolios with 2 essays each, and grade them according to the rubric of scores 1-4 that we had bickered about earlier.

This was MIND-RIPPING for me. Seriously. I get way too over-analytical when I do these kinds of things, and most of my analyses were stuck in between numbers. A 2.5 or 3.5 would have saved me a headache today, but nooooo. Must follow the whole number scale.

I got my 10 done, and tomorrow morning I get to speak with my small group (we’re TEAM C. We’ve already decided that TEAM C will be the party team. What happens on TEAM C will stay in TEAM C. The first rule about TEAM C is that you do not talk about TEAM C) and compare scores. We can’t change our scores, but we get to hit the next 20 portfolios (joy! 40 papers more to go!) with a better sense of how we’re all scoring things, what we see as deserving whatever number scores, blah blah fucking blah.

DoucheNozzle is not in TEAM C. Thank baby Jeebus.

I had a lot of shitty papers today. My portfolio grades went as follows:

1 “4″, which is the equivalent of an A rating.
2 “3″s, which is the next step down but is basically a “passing and doing well” score.
6 “2″s, not a good score but better than outright flunking.
1 “1″, which just… sucked a lot.

Sooo… yes. A lot of suck.

The weirdest paper set award goes to the nutjob who turned in two very abstract, very… um… experimental? pieces which had no possible way of being graded according to our rubric.

The first was a 6 page pseudo-scifi technophobic pretentious rant that probably started with the concept of commenting on our society’s dependence on digital doo-daddery and ended up sounding like the kid got high, read some shitty indie modern anti-socialite blog and spewed this crap onto the page. It was roughly reminiscent of everything stereotypical from 1984, Brave New World, the Matrix. A little to late there, killer. Better luck next time.

His second paper was a “proposal paper” that tried to obtain and bottle the meaning of life. I just scrawled “PRETENTIOUS LITTLE SHIT” all over my note sheet and gave him a 2. I’m interested to see what the others had to say.

(I assumed it was a male writer. Something about this just screamed UNHAPPY ANTI-SOCIAL MALE OSTRACIZED BY MANY AND TRYING SO HARD TO MAKE NOT FITTING IN COOL THAT IT HURTS A LITTLE. Maybe because I was usually friends with those dudes in high school. Who knows.)

The worst textual line I found all day has stuck with me even to this point. Word for word. This was just so… horribly stupid and wrong, I can’t even explain. It was from a paper about rape victims and how they’re taken advantage of and put on trial when attempting to report a rape. So this person started with a valid claim about our justice system, but it devolved into this wandering, incoherent rant about “the man” and how EVERYONE ALWAYS mistreats the victim (broad sweeping claims that, without accurate supporting evidence, have no place in an argumentative essay) and this person decided to use the stripper from Duke as an example. The line that blew my mind was this:

“Some people would say that stripper asked for trouble since she went there, but she was there to dance, not to get raped.”

O.o

I cannot explain to you how loud my snort was in a conference room full of professors working silently to finish their quota. It was far, far far too loud.

Add to all of this the painfully long time allotted to doling out directions to us, people with Master’s degrees, pHD’s, etc…. telling us how to pick up folders from a table 3 FUCKING TIMES. And then demonstrating it. I mean…. wow.

So tomorrow is a brand new day. Another chance to get paid for such shenanigans. And I’m feeling just fine with it, yessiree.

It’s Tuesday.

Tomorrow I go into campus for the first time since last semester, to do assessment and hopefully get some money in the bank. Woot to that.

I also have to file to be considered a special student (dude how have I fallen behind on that? I totally decided to do it like in JUNE), pick out which class I’m going to take this semester, and make sure I have my schedule straight with office hours and what-not.

I’ve decided what I want to do the first day of school. I’ve decided what I want to do for the first assignment. I haven’t figured out much beyond that, and I really need to. Because I can’t rightly give out a syllabus that’s only a vague suggestion of things to come. Heh.

So….. I’m going to use this place as a checklist of things I need to do. This may be quite boring for you, mysterious reader, so feel free to skip it if you’d like.

What NEEDS to be done, for myself academically:

*Call DoE and keep calling until they tell me what’s going on with transcript analysis

*Decide on course for this and next semester, sign up/do paperwork/contact teachers appropriately

*Make sure my status as special student is SET.

What NEEDS to be done, for my students this semester:

*Syllabus rewrite, including new scheduled conferences, due dates, attendence policy, and participation scoring.

*Creation of a Twitter account for due dates/reminders

*Re-creation of a blog site for each section so they can do their weekly blogs

*Re-creation of Blackboard sites for each of the four sections with assignments, attachments, etc.

*Plan 1st week activities

*Assign office hours

I hereby reserve the right to come mess with this list anytime. Heh.

Also, I have awesome friends who totally made my day yesterday, and I wanted to just say thank you for that. I love you.

I’ve realized today that I have sucked seriously at keeping this site updated. I apologize. I will try harder in the future.

Here’s what’s new with me. Or what’s not new, what’s very old hat and I’m sick of it:

*We’re still seriously broke. I need to figure out how to pay rent TODAY and make it work out in my favor tomorrow.

*I’m unemployed again. Until the school year starts, my paychecks are no longer coming over to play.

*There are about a million things I want to buy, and cannot. I feel like the poor kid at school, watching everyone else play with new stuff and just… WANTING like crazy. Laaaame.

Here’s what’s new and exciting:

*There is a stray cat who needs a loving home here, and I’m attempting to find him one. He is awesome. And if we can’t get him hooked up, he might become ours.

*I’ve been swimming. A lot. And I can now do 3/4ths a mile (45 laps) in an hour. Working on getting to a full mile in that amount of time.

*I’m down 30 lbs and 1 to 2 dress sizes. I’m also fairly confident that I will keep this trend going, and that’s a new feeling for me.

*I’m excited about making my lesson plans and having my classes back. And not just for the money.

*My mother now lives only 35 minutes away from me and I am SO LOVING IT.

*I will be signing up for a class each semester, and I’m excited about being a student again.

Yeah, the end. I’m sorry I don’t have any real thought or enthusiasm to put into this, I just…. feel pretty defeated today? Even though technically I shouldn’t. Maybe I’ll feel better later.